The Dachshund Manual

Your Dachshund shipped as a low-clearance sausage chassis with no off switch and no reverse gear installed. Field records confirm the unit refuses stairs, burrows into every available blanket, and generates alarm output far exceeding its own chassis size.

Thirty confirmed system failures are documented within, filed under a straight face. Highlights include an incline negotiation gear rated for slopes most staircases exceed immediately, a ground clearance plate reading sub-grade, an active excavation protocol with no known deactivation, and a single-operator lock that recognizes exactly one acceptable lap.

No repair is recommended. No refund is available. The operator is advised to accept the unit as configured.