The German Shepherd Manual

The German Shepherd ships as a 34 kilogram autonomous security apparatus with a self-assigned patrol mandate and zero documented instances of standing down. Field records confirm it was designed to protect, serve, and follow commands, and has chosen to perform all three strictly on its own terms.

Thirty confirmed system failures are documented within, spanning hardware, software, and human interface. Highlights include a surveillance antenna array that tracks every room, a fur dispersal engine rated in the millions of cubic centimeters per hour, a perimeter patrol loop with no shutdown sequence, and a courier alert matrix triggered by any approaching vehicle.

No repair is recommended. No refund is available. The operator is advised to accept the unit as configured.