The Golden Retriever Manual

The Golden Retriever ships pre-configured for unconditional trust, with no security clearance protocol installed. Field records confirm the unit greets intruders, guests, and mail carriers with identical enthusiasm.

Thirty confirmed system failures are documented within, each measured, illustrated, and logged in unnecessary detail. Highlights include a retrieval clamp that will not release a stolen shoe, a tail drive that runs at full output near breakable furniture, a proximity sensor that welcomes every stranger as a personal guest, and a tactile actuator demanding constant physical contact.

No repair is recommended. No refund is available. The operator is advised to accept the unit as configured.